I Lost My Son At 5 Months Pregnant.

I slowly watched as the life I thought I would have, slowly slip away one tear at a time.

My life came crashing down when I heard those two words, no heartbeat. No one can prepare you for this moment. There are no words that can be spoken to comfort you. You have to sit there and just take it. I looked around each face and saw their pity in their eyes. At almost 5 months you’re given the false hope that everything will be ok, because you made it passed that 3 month mark, but in my case that 3 month mark was a false sense of security.

I got pregnant when I first met him. It wasn’t my original plan to choose him, but subconsciously I did. At 33 and single you start to realize how little time you have left if you did want to have a child. In this day in age, having a child out of wedlock is accepted, at least more so than decades ago. We had a chemistry I hadn’t had in a long time. It was comfortable and just so damn easy. Hell, if I didn’t know that we had just met, I would have assumed we knew each other for years.

Had I not become pregnant that night, I think he and I might have dated. Maybe we would have made it as a couple, maybe we wouldn’t have, but we will never know because in this short span of 6 months I saw the real him in a crisis and it was not a pretty sight.

I knew I was pregnant, that mothers intuition strong within me. And I knew I wouldn’t be bringing him home one day, but I was going to try my damnedest to try to prevent what my intuition already knew. I told the father right before Easter, which wasn’t good timing on my part, since he was Catholic, but I knew there wasn’t going to be a good time to tell a 27 year old that his life was about to change in as little time as it took to write a text message. He and I had texted each other the week before about us seeing each other soon, which never happened. Which would become the beginning of a lot of broken promises from him. I was trying not to have to text him this news, but his actions prevented that. So I had to do the only other option, which was to text him.

His response was typical for an immature guy. And I expected nothing less than more promises from him and then all of them broken in quick succession. But, I still wanted him! As a relationship coach, he was showing every red flag in the book and still I fell for him. Partly because of our connection and the rest because of Xavier Eliot, our son who I found out was a boy due to a test I was made to have due to extra amniotic fluid around his neck. If I could go back to that day when they found that fluid, I would have told my doctors I didn’t care if that extra fluid meant Down syndrome or another genetic disorder. It wouldn’t have matter to me what my baby had, I would have kept him regardless.

Each ultrasound and each test I had to do, I did alone. The father not wanting to make this “situation” real, so he avoided every aspect of what showed him that it was a reality. As my stomach grew and my heart swelled for the love I had for my unborn child, so did my hope the father would come around. I wanted so badly to see the person I thought I had that first night. But he would never reappear or maybe this was the real him all along?

The day I found out Xavier had passed on was the day I had my 3D/4D scan with my family and friends in attendance. I went to a place my friend worked at and I thank god for that now. I lay on the folded out chair seeing the baby on a huge screen and even I saw the amount of swelling on the screen. My stomach dropping as I think to myself, this doesn’t look right. My friend after what felt like an hour says to me, you need to get checked out, I’m not getting a heartbeat. Survival mode kicked in. My mind racing with so many details and possible movement I thought I had felt over the past few days. Didn’t I just feel him move? Or was that a week ago? 2 weeks? She’s wrong, she has to be wrong. So many thoughts, so many questions that she and even I couldn’t answer.

I called my high risk doctor on call and was instructed to go to labor and delivery at Ohio State University. I immediately knew this wasn’t going to be a welfare check and them tell me something different. I was lucky to have one of my best friends go with me. Had she not gone with me I do not know how that would have gone by myself.

I arrived at Ohio State and recounted the events so far. I must have told my story over and over to each new face I met at the hospital. Even I was getting sick of hearing this story, my story. Every nurse that came in was trying to make small talk and had my friend not been there I probably would have told them where to go with their small talk. I was there for one reason and it was not to hear their stories of how their days were going.

The first doctor came in and tried to find his heartbeat, all the while I’m thinking how hard can it be to find? The longer they made me wait, the longer I had to sit there and deal with something I didn’t want to deal with. The doctor said she needed another set of eyes to make sure and luckily or unluckily the next doctor was quicker. She confirmed he had passed on, most likely a week or two before. And that’s when the tears that had been waiting patiently for this news came out fast and furious.

Of course the first thing I thought of was how I was going to be able to deal with this. And deal with it alone. The next thought I had was about the father, thinking he got his wish. He wished this away and he got it.

I was asked if I wanted to be induced and give birth or if I wanted a D&E which is similar to a D&C, but a little different given how far along I was. I knew if I gave birth, my already raging hormones would double and I didn’t think I could handle seeing him like that. So I opted for the lesser evil in this situation.

Three days later I was scheduled for the removal of Xavier. I felt like a fraud walking around everywhere looking pregnant and honestly the procedure was welcomed so I would stop getting asked how my pregnancy was going. I just had my maintenance man at my complex ask how I was on the same day I found out that I lost Xavier. I don’t know who was more mortified when he asked that question and got my response?

With my basic survival instincts kicked in on overdrive; my mind just wanted this over with. I wanted to go back to February when I was in the best shape of my life and to that moment the father and I met for the first time so I could rewrite that history and choose differently. I prayed to go back and never have met him. I prayed for Xavier to still be kicking me and have that feeling that he was safe again. So many emotions, so many thoughts. Your mind isn’t supposed to compute this many extremes. But in a time like this, that’s all it can do.

I so badly just needed the father, no matter how he felt about me or Xavier, to hold me and let me cry. While I was going through hell, he got to act like nothing had changed. He hadn’t told his family, nor his friends. I had never hated someone so much in my life and at the same time care for him deeply. When you’re pregnant the attachment you can feel for the father is mind boggling, especially in a situation as precarious and confusing as mine was.

It’s been one month since Xavier has passed. The cremation and the picking of the urn and necklaces was completed. The father, being absent from everything else, actually made it to the planning of the cremation. Which surprised me. What surprised me more was that he purchased a necklace for himself. Which I have no doubt will sit in a box in his closet, never to be thought of again.

To my fellow moms out there, and don’t let anyone tell you any different. You are a mother, you just have to wait to hold your baby. But, one day you will hold him and when you do hold him tight and never let go.

The healing begins for me. My heart is broken by this and by the fathers lack of presence and support. My stomach is almost gone and Mother Nature was kind enough to remind me very quickly that I’m no longer pregnant. Because miscarriages and still births are rarely spoken about or written about; I wanted to share my story so other women can see they are not alone. If you need to cry, cry. If you want to yell at God, then yell at him. Do you feel like punching something? Then punch something! Put your anger and frustrations out there to the universe. Because if you don’t, the emotions you feel will come out in other unhealthy ways. Take as much time as you need. There is no timeline for grieving the loss of your baby. I didn’t cry much that first week, instead I put my frustrations into going to the gym, but I still needed a release. And crying was the only way to get it. Even if it meant I would cry for days, it needed to happen. I still feel numb as if this was just a dream, but if this taught me anything about this experience, it is that I love myself enough to make it through this. Even if that means making it through this alone. And especially when the one person who should have been there to hold my hand wasn’t.

 

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This Is Why You Should Always Have A Prenuptial Agreement

Marriage is not just about love, it is also a business arrangement.

Everyone has their own opinions on prenuptial agreements and question if they send a bad precedent before marriage. But, divorce is a possibility whether you would want to address those feelings now or not. Life has no guarantees and there is no way to know if 2 or 10 years down the road you decide the marriage is not repairable. When you get married, you never want to think about the possibility of it ending, but with the divorce rate being so high, it is something that every pre-marriage phase couples need to think about and give credence to.

If a marriage doesn’t work out, the likelihood of it being a cordial break up and everyone agreeing on every little thing, is slim to none. Sure, there are a select few who can accomplish an amicable divorce, but more often than not there is going to be some resentment and angry feelings involved, especially for the person who was dumped. They will have a major hit to their ego and instead of being logical about their feelings, they will direct their anger towards getting their exes back anyway possible. Divorce becomes revenge and anything you two had discussed before with regards to the marriage not working out, goes out the window. Every couple says in the beginning if things do not work out, I will not fight with you or I will not take this or take that. And then the gloves come off and it’s everyone for them self. Even the attorneys will get nasty and become too emotionally involved.

I have seen every end of the spectrum when it comes to divorce. You have mutual break ups, the extremely angry break ups, and the starting out mutual, only to turn into a battle until even the toothbrush is accounted for. This is why pre-nups are such a necessary asset pre-marriage. You can put everything in this legal document and no matter who breaks up with whom, the pre-nup will stand. It is very rare that a judge goes against the original pre-nup legal document.

I know some people think that this process is unromantic and that it brings down the happy celebratory vibe you two have. My response to that is, it only has that effect on your situation because you are allowing it to. All you are doing, is laying out every asset you have and making sure you are protected down the road and that your kids are protected if you choose to have them or already have them. So put the romance feelings aside, it’s just smart to have one set up regardless if you are wealthy or not. Plus have you ever entered into a financial arrangement without a contract? You probably haven’t, so why forgo a prenup when it does involve everything you own? Which ever you decide, always remember: There is a difference between marrying the love of your life and divorcing the man you thought was the love of your life.

This Is Why I Ghost

Text response is declined.

As a relationship coach, I will get a lot of flack for admitting that I ghost, but hear me out. Ghosting, is when you are speaking to someone and everything seems to be going so well and then BAM! They are never to be heard from again. You start to over-analyze every little thing you said and did the last time you talked to them or saw them. But, more often than not, the real reason they ghosted has a lot more to do with what they know of your character than them being an asshole.

I have always been very blunt and to the point, some can handle it and some cannot. But, if I stop having feelings for someone I will always slowly but surely stop responding, reason being is I have tried it both ways. I have always been upfront and honest that I like someone else or if I just do not think I am compatible with him anymore. And each time I took the awkward, but respectful way and go out of my way and tell them why I am not feeling them anymore, I would get so many obscenities sent my way.

I have been ghosted on too so it doesn’t matter who you are, you will get ghosted at least once in your life. I had one guy who said he hated ghosting and that if we were ever incompatible to please tell him. He had someone he liked ghost him and so he knew how bad it felt. He even said if she would have sent a text to me; that would have been better than silence. He and I were doing ok and everything appeared to be going well and then he just stopped responding. I even sent him a text saying, “Hey, if you met someone that is perfectly ok, just let me know” I received no response from him. So I let it go. That Friday, I am walking my dogs and guess who is outside my building with beer and trying to get into my gated community? Yep, it was the ghoster. What’s hilarious is the new girl he was dating lived in my exact building, we have 8 buildings in my complex so there’s karma for ya.

So as you can see ghosting sometimes has to occur and yes it is still immature and if the world were an expert on communication then we would never have to come up with these ridiculous terms, but with technology advancing everyday, expect ghosting to happen more and more, unfortunately it is here to stay. Just remember when you do it karma always comes back around.

Dating While Disabled

I’m happy to announce my book, Dating While Disabled will be out soon! It was slated for October 25th, but due to higher demands, I’m releasing it in June! Stay tuned for launch dates in the coming month!

Dating While Disabled will cover all of your dating needs! It will go over everything you and your partner or potential partner will need to know about dating someone with an illness!

Stay Tuned! Happy Dating!!

What a sex coach actually does.

For the past few months I have been bombarded with questions on what my job actually entails, so today I am going to explain the ins and outs of my job, pun intended.

First off, I DO NOT have sex with my clients. Nor do I use my body to show them what I am speaking about and no I do not use my hands to show them how to masturbate correctly. Now, there are sex coaches who do this and I am not knocking what they do professionally, but I never wanted to be that type of sex coach. Later this year I will be taking classes to be a certified clinical sexologist which covers a wide range of topics, such as: psychology, sex abuse, sexual dysfunctions, legal and unethical practices, etc. I also will be getting my sex educator certificate. As you can see there are a wide variety of topics when it comes to sex. And sex is the only thing in this country or even abroad that isn’t taught, your ideas of what a woman or man likes all comes from secondhand knowledge, which can be from past sex partners, friends, or even family.

I wanted to change how the topic of sex is viewed and for sex to become less awkward for parents and their kids/teens to bring sex up without skirting over the major points that need to be talked about. With so many sexually transmitted diseases and incorrect information on protection, it is necessary to discuss it at length, regardless of the persons comfort levels. The percentage rates of HPV, Herpes, and other highly contracted STD’s could go down with the correct information and training being shared to the public. Young adults and even most adults think they are invincible and will not contract a STD, but it’s that ignorance that causes the statistics to skyrocket.

So no matter what you may think of my job, please be safe. If not for yourself, do it for your partner. They shouldn’t have to deal with a lifelong decision that you made without their knowledge or consent just because you think you are superman or superwoman for those 30 seconds or 30 minutes. Happy Dating and remember to WRAP IT UP!!

Use These Tips To Give Your Man The Best Blowjob Of His Life

Every man loves getting a blowjob, but you might have been doing it wrong all along.

We all know men love blow jobs or they are sometimes called fellatio. But, knowing how to do them right is something women have struggled to master. I am going to give you a few tips on giving a great blow job to keep your man happy and keep running back for more.

I have always been a fan of the blow job, but I do have an oral fixation so it has come naturally to me and with a lot of other women that have oral fixations as well, which normally makes it easier for them to master because of this. I like to do them especially in the morning, because most men have morning hard ons and usually they do not have time for sex if they are like me and hit the snooze button a lot. So to keep your man thinking about you all day long; a morning BJ is a great way to accomplish that!

Blow jobs can be very hard to master if you have a gag reflex; plus you have to worry about teeth placement and multitasking with your hands as well. With girls that want to practice on something else other than a penis; you can always use a banana to help with your gag reflex or your man will always oblige you to be the willing participate in your practicing phase.

I focus on the tip of the head and underneath the shaft. If you swirl your tongue and suck around their opening of their external urethral orifice, which is where their semen comes out (for those of you that do not know that word) they will start bunching up very quickly with their abs and legs if done correctly. The head and underneath their shaft are their most sensitive spots. While you are doing this use your hands. But always make sure you have lotion or oil to massage their shaft it will feel a lot better for them. I use a twisting technique while I am sucking their balls as well.

Men love to have their balls sucked, there are a thousand nerve endings in their testicles, so do not forget to play with them! In the beginning start at their balls and then lick all the way up the shaft and some men will want a finger in their ass while you are giving them a blow job. But. not all men are like this. This is something you will have to ease into, because they may not have had it done before and so go in slowly to see their reaction, but remember to use lube on your finger! If you have long nails I recommend skipping this part. While you are sucking the head, I like to take my tongue and lick up and down his shaft while pulling the skin up with my mouth, it’s similar to you sucking his head, but just be gentle sucking the sides. Men can be very rough when they masturbate alone, so do not feel like you have to be too gentle with jacking him off especially if you are using lube or oil.

Then, there is the age old question spit or swallow. Some, when they are so aroused they continue to cum for a moment and anymore sucking or playing with them will make it feel uncomfortable or too much to handle. So depending on the man stick to the tip of the head while they start to cum and you will be able to tell when it’s time to stop.

Blow jobs are loved by all men and if you can perfect it you will be able to keep them happy throughout the day and they will continue to think about that morning with you. Now if you two have more time, then give him some time to recover and then go for round two, but this time involving you!

Why Everyone Should Get a Prenuptial Agreement

When you are newly engaged the last thing you want to think about is divorce. But, since divorce rates are 1 in 3, it’s something that everyone must think about. It’s not an easy subject to bring up to your soon to be husband or wife, but trust me this is a necessary evil. With prenups you both can determine the terms of what will happen if in fact you two decide to break up.

Divorce is a touchy subject. People tend to think that their marriage will be the one out of their friends or family to last forever. Which I personally hope the relationship does last a lifetime. But, if in fact something changes at least you know that this is printed and signed by both of you. Now you can be as detailed as you want to be or you can make it simple and have the guidelines written up for certain circumstances that may occur in your marriage. Having it all mapped out will make things go so much smoother in the end. I don’t care if neither of you have a dime to your name, it’s better to be safe, than sorry. And if one of you had an inheritance before you got married, then that money should be put into a trust, so your spouse can’t try to take that money away from you. Especially since it was a premarital asset.

Prenups can include what happens if you have children, who is taking custody of them and the amount of child support will be included for the custodial parent. It can also dictate the amount of spousal support they can receive based on the amount of time you two were married. There are other factors that you can put in the prenup depending on your state and that state’s laws.

Divorce is something that needs to be discussed before you are married, regardless if you want to discuss it or not. When people are angry they tend to do all the things they promised they would never do. You cannot determine if they will stand by their word when divorce is imminent. Everything that was said is thrown out the window and the claws or gloves come out. But, if you had a prenup to begin with, then they really have no way to try to take more than they originally said they would. Now prenups can be challenged, but most judges will not overturn the prenup unless there was fraud involved and if they do think fraud is involved, they better have a good case to prove it.

I know most think prenups aren’t necessary, but because of the high divorce rates and the many people who have had to battle their exes for premarital assets, proves that having a prenup is your safest bet. It protects you and your spouse. People are also including a clause in their prenup for their dogs and cats. There is nothing more heartbreaking than losing your spouse and then losing your dog. So please if you do end up going the prenup route, think of every thing possible to include in the document. And if you two never divorce then no harm, no foul.

5 Ways Your Relationship Will Fail (And Why You Are To Blame)

veryone wants relationships to work out and stand the test of time. Unfortunately, if you are playing games with your love, it’s only a matter of time before they run from the relationship you are trying to build. Here are the top games women play while in a relationship.

1. Insecurity. A lot of women are insecure and think that someone couldn’t possibly love them for who they are. Instead of working on themselves to fix their insecurities, they tend to test their partners loyalty. Pushing your partner away is a big reason why they lose their relationships.

2. Testing him. Testing your partner results in them not wanting to deal with the constant strain and push-pull that you continually show them. This involves you telling them they can leave anytime they want, or not telling them exactly what is wrong or why you are saying this.

3. Liquid courage. Many girls drink alcohol and text their partners, saying things they wouldn’t say sober. Every little thing that has bugged you comes out in this irrational state. If you keep this up they will definitely know that you are more in love with drama than them.

4. Over-analyzing. This is something women are great at and are usually born with. If he is late, you make up so many excuses as to why, instead of realizing traffic is the reason. Maybe he really did fall asleep and isn’t trying to have sex with that co-worker you met a while ago. (You know, the one who is gorgeous and has legs for days.) Give him some credit and don’t think the worst of him until he gives you a reason to think that way.

5. He isn’t a priority. Not making him a priority is another push-pull game people use to make sure they keep their partners at arms length so as not get hurt. If you aren’t ready for someone to be in your life, do not string him along. This will come back to bite you in the form of karma, and when you are ready for someone to be in your life, they won’t be ready for a relationship.

Relationships are hard work, but a lot of people start to run as soon as an issue arises. And if you constantly run when times get tough, you will never know how to deal with other problems in your own life. Make sure you are truly ready for love; if you are not, you aren’t just hurting yourself.

Step Parents From Hell, When Blended Families Go Wrong

Having a broken or should I say blended family is normal these days, but what if the person your parent is in love with, isn’t as he appears. My intuition has always been spot on, my Mom’s not so much. So when I met him for the first time, the man she was dating, in less than 5 minutes I knew he wasn’t a good guy. After the meeting I told my Mom to run as fast as she could in the other direction, I was only 17 at the time and knew this relationship would be tumultuous at best.

The relationship went from casual dating, to him and his three children moving in, in a matter of a few months. That first time they moved in, it lasted two weeks. I told my Mom it was them or me. Then my Mom had a crazy idea that she and I should buy a house together. I had just turned 18 and had a great job, making more money than some 30 year olds. I thought I might as well help her and buy a house with her. She promised me that he wouldn’t move in, while the house was in my name. He moved in 4 weeks later unofficially of course. Then he was officially moved in with his 17 year old daughter and his other two kids came every other weekend 6 months later.

At this time I was going through a lot of health issues. I was having surgery after surgery and was on disability more often than not. After I had my first back surgery and was recovering, mind you I was still paying a third of the household expenses, he told my Mom that I needed to get out of my bed and help them clean up after my dog. I had just had a lumbar fusion on 2 levels and he was expecting me to clean up after my dogs.

This was the running theme when I would have surgery. He expected and even had my Mom convinced that in 2 weeks I should be back to normal. After having a few knee surgeries and back surgeries, he told my Mom he thought I was physically dislocating my knee, so I could have surgery again and be off work. He basically made it out to seem I was crazy and had munchausen syndrome. I actually started to believe I was crazy. I kept having surgeries that wouldn’t fix me and I would be under the knife again within months of repairing the same thing.

I found out when I was 25 years old that I had Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which is a connective tissue disorder, it basically means my collagen, which collagen is everything in your body, joints, bones, skin, tendons, ligaments, organs, etc was defective, and the collagen is loose meaning we tear and dislocate things easily. After this diagnosis he still thought I was purposely having surgeries to not work. Mind you I had worked since I was 12 and wished I could still be working and have some semblance of a life, instead of my life in my bed.

My Mom knew I depised this man, so while they were on a vacation they eloped. When she came home to tell me, I lost it and screamed for her to get my name off of the house. I knew he was going to screw with her finances even more so than he already had. She knew she would have to elope, because I would have objected had they had a real wedding.

My Mom and him fought a lot, mostly about me and money. He supposedly didn’t have enough money to pay the third of the bills, which was $525 a month, because of his spousal and child support. So my Mom and I were basically paying for him and his baggage. She kicked him out multiple times and let him come back multiple times. I started to realize that no matter what he did, she would forgive him.

In 2009, my Mom and him were having a huge fight. I heard glass breaking and thought he was hurting her, he had already had 2 domestic violence charges on his record. The first one was never known about until the second one happened. Back to the fight, I ran into their room and got in his face. He pushed me into their closet door which dislocated my shoulder. I thought then she would divorce him. She didn’t.

I ended up moving exactly 29 days after that incident. I was so desperate to get out of that house I went onto a website to find a roommate and found a nice girl who lived in Columbus. I got lucky that she was a great person, because living with someone you have no idea who they are, isn’t exactly comforting and it was scary in the beginning, never knowing if she was an ax murderer or had some crazy quirk.

My Mom’s husband was then fired from his job, that he had had for over 20 years. He thought it was a perfectly sane idea to put a noose on his desk. Which obviously offended many people. So he was terminated. He did find another job, but was not making the money he had been. My Mom had spent so much of her money and her credit cards were maxed out. She also had to be put on disability, because she was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, as well as neuropathy. He swore up and down that he had no money to help her pay her credit cards, so she wouldn’t have to file bankruptcy.

He refused to help her, even though she had helped him financially for the whole 10 years they were together. She started to realize it was time to divorce him. She kicked him out and started the divorce proceedings. She came across his records in his desk and found out he had over 80 grand in IRA’s and savings, he had it all along, and when she needed his help, he refused. But, took her and my money willingly.

She didn’t make out very well in the divorce, even with her being disabled. In the city she lives in it’s a man’s world and they made her look like a shopaholic and not responsible enough. He tried to take the house, even though it was a premarital asset, since she and I bought it together before I transferred the deed to her and they refinanced together. They have been divorced one year and he is behind on spousal support and owes over 20 grand and is in contempt of court again.

Recently, my Mom filed contempt charges and we are awaiting the court date. But, in the midst of all this I went up to my Mom’s attic to grab my childhood toys and other pictures and learned they were missing. He had thrown them away. So my childhood memories were taken because of a sociopath who wanted to hurt myself and my Mom. He always had a weird fixation on me. He used to say he would video tape me in the shower and talk about sex to me. He also beat my two dogs, because they were mine. He also threatened to bury nails in the backyard, so if my German Shepard dug into the yard she would hurt her paws on them. He also wrote in his journal about my daily activities.

I was hopeful when they divorced that this would be over and we could move on and never mention the man’s name again. Unfortunately, I know it will be a long time before his name can be forgotten. I feel bad for my Mom, because she is such a trusting and caring person, she helped him when no one else could or would and he screwed her over. The Webster dictionary really should have his picture next to the term narcissism and sociopath. He is now about to move in with his new girlfriend. I pray for her. She’s going to need it.