I Lost My Son At 5 Months Pregnant.

I slowly watched as the life I thought I would have, slowly slip away one tear at a time.

My life came crashing down when I heard those two words, no heartbeat. No one can prepare you for this moment. There are no words that can be spoken to comfort you. You have to sit there and just take it. I looked around each face and saw their pity in their eyes. At almost 5 months you’re given the false hope that everything will be ok, because you made it passed that 3 month mark, but in my case that 3 month mark was a false sense of security.

I got pregnant when I first met him. It wasn’t my original plan to choose him, but subconsciously I did. At 33 and single you start to realize how little time you have left if you did want to have a child. In this day in age, having a child out of wedlock is accepted, at least more so than decades ago. We had a chemistry I hadn’t had in a long time. It was comfortable and just so damn easy. Hell, if I didn’t know that we had just met, I would have assumed we knew each other for years.

Had I not become pregnant that night, I think he and I might have dated. Maybe we would have made it as a couple, maybe we wouldn’t have, but we will never know because in this short span of 6 months I saw the real him in a crisis and it was not a pretty sight.

I knew I was pregnant, that mothers intuition strong within me. And I knew I wouldn’t be bringing him home one day, but I was going to try my damnedest to try to prevent what my intuition already knew. I told the father right before Easter, which wasn’t good timing on my part, since he was Catholic, but I knew there wasn’t going to be a good time to tell a 27 year old that his life was about to change in as little time as it took to write a text message. He and I had texted each other the week before about us seeing each other soon, which never happened. Which would become the beginning of a lot of broken promises from him. I was trying not to have to text him this news, but his actions prevented that. So I had to do the only other option, which was to text him.

His response was typical for an immature guy. And I expected nothing less than more promises from him and then all of them broken in quick succession. But, I still wanted him! As a relationship coach, he was showing every red flag in the book and still I fell for him. Partly because of our connection and the rest because of Xavier Eliot, our son who I found out was a boy due to a test I was made to have due to extra amniotic fluid around his neck. If I could go back to that day when they found that fluid, I would have told my doctors I didn’t care if that extra fluid meant Down syndrome or another genetic disorder. It wouldn’t have matter to me what my baby had, I would have kept him regardless.

Each ultrasound and each test I had to do, I did alone. The father not wanting to make this “situation” real, so he avoided every aspect of what showed him that it was a reality. As my stomach grew and my heart swelled for the love I had for my unborn child, so did my hope the father would come around. I wanted so badly to see the person I thought I had that first night. But he would never reappear or maybe this was the real him all along?

The day I found out Xavier had passed on was the day I had my 3D/4D scan with my family and friends in attendance. I went to a place my friend worked at and I thank god for that now. I lay on the folded out chair seeing the baby on a huge screen and even I saw the amount of swelling on the screen. My stomach dropping as I think to myself, this doesn’t look right. My friend after what felt like an hour says to me, you need to get checked out, I’m not getting a heartbeat. Survival mode kicked in. My mind racing with so many details and possible movement I thought I had felt over the past few days. Didn’t I just feel him move? Or was that a week ago? 2 weeks? She’s wrong, she has to be wrong. So many thoughts, so many questions that she and even I couldn’t answer.

I called my high risk doctor on call and was instructed to go to labor and delivery at Ohio State University. I immediately knew this wasn’t going to be a welfare check and them tell me something different. I was lucky to have one of my best friends go with me. Had she not gone with me I do not know how that would have gone by myself.

I arrived at Ohio State and recounted the events so far. I must have told my story over and over to each new face I met at the hospital. Even I was getting sick of hearing this story, my story. Every nurse that came in was trying to make small talk and had my friend not been there I probably would have told them where to go with their small talk. I was there for one reason and it was not to hear their stories of how their days were going.

The first doctor came in and tried to find his heartbeat, all the while I’m thinking how hard can it be to find? The longer they made me wait, the longer I had to sit there and deal with something I didn’t want to deal with. The doctor said she needed another set of eyes to make sure and luckily or unluckily the next doctor was quicker. She confirmed he had passed on, most likely a week or two before. And that’s when the tears that had been waiting patiently for this news came out fast and furious.

Of course the first thing I thought of was how I was going to be able to deal with this. And deal with it alone. The next thought I had was about the father, thinking he got his wish. He wished this away and he got it.

I was asked if I wanted to be induced and give birth or if I wanted a D&E which is similar to a D&C, but a little different given how far along I was. I knew if I gave birth, my already raging hormones would double and I didn’t think I could handle seeing him like that. So I opted for the lesser evil in this situation.

Three days later I was scheduled for the removal of Xavier. I felt like a fraud walking around everywhere looking pregnant and honestly the procedure was welcomed so I would stop getting asked how my pregnancy was going. I just had my maintenance man at my complex ask how I was on the same day I found out that I lost Xavier. I don’t know who was more mortified when he asked that question and got my response?

With my basic survival instincts kicked in on overdrive; my mind just wanted this over with. I wanted to go back to February when I was in the best shape of my life and to that moment the father and I met for the first time so I could rewrite that history and choose differently. I prayed to go back and never have met him. I prayed for Xavier to still be kicking me and have that feeling that he was safe again. So many emotions, so many thoughts. Your mind isn’t supposed to compute this many extremes. But in a time like this, that’s all it can do.

I so badly just needed the father, no matter how he felt about me or Xavier, to hold me and let me cry. While I was going through hell, he got to act like nothing had changed. He hadn’t told his family, nor his friends. I had never hated someone so much in my life and at the same time care for him deeply. When you’re pregnant the attachment you can feel for the father is mind boggling, especially in a situation as precarious and confusing as mine was.

It’s been one month since Xavier has passed. The cremation and the picking of the urn and necklaces was completed. The father, being absent from everything else, actually made it to the planning of the cremation. Which surprised me. What surprised me more was that he purchased a necklace for himself. Which I have no doubt will sit in a box in his closet, never to be thought of again.

To my fellow moms out there, and don’t let anyone tell you any different. You are a mother, you just have to wait to hold your baby. But, one day you will hold him and when you do hold him tight and never let go.

The healing begins for me. My heart is broken by this and by the fathers lack of presence and support. My stomach is almost gone and Mother Nature was kind enough to remind me very quickly that I’m no longer pregnant. Because miscarriages and still births are rarely spoken about or written about; I wanted to share my story so other women can see they are not alone. If you need to cry, cry. If you want to yell at God, then yell at him. Do you feel like punching something? Then punch something! Put your anger and frustrations out there to the universe. Because if you don’t, the emotions you feel will come out in other unhealthy ways. Take as much time as you need. There is no timeline for grieving the loss of your baby. I didn’t cry much that first week, instead I put my frustrations into going to the gym, but I still needed a release. And crying was the only way to get it. Even if it meant I would cry for days, it needed to happen. I still feel numb as if this was just a dream, but if this taught me anything about this experience, it is that I love myself enough to make it through this. Even if that means making it through this alone. And especially when the one person who should have been there to hold my hand wasn’t.

 

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Sorry, Not Sorry

I am ashamed of my generation the millennials.

I recently had a situation arise, a young college student tried to intentionally scare me by trying to hit my dogs and I with his car. He made an illegal turn down a one-way street to park in a parking spot that we were walking passed. When he got out I asked him if that was really necessary? He then proceeded to berate me about how it was my fault and I should expect him to try to hit me since I was walking through a parking spot. Umm, what? I didn’t know by him doing an illegal turn and almost hitting me was my fault?

That’s the problem with today’s youth and young adults they will never apologize, even when it is blatantly their fault. Why is that? Where has good manners and respect for others gone? I ask this everyday when I drive somewhere. It has become commonplace for me to be flipped off or shouted at by a driver who intentionally cut me off or them not using a turn signal. It’s apparent no one wants to take responsibility for their actions or their words anymore. And most of the time they assume there will not be any repercussions for their actions.

A lot of today’s youth or 20 something year olds have no respect for authority. They feel that by being cordial, polite or just respecting someone else’s authority, experience, and/or space is beneath them. They lack the patience that is needed to survive in the world, which scares the hell out of me and I am fearful of what the world will look like 5-10 years from now. I haven’t been able to think about what it might look like in 20 plus years.

Another instance of the lack of patience and respect: I was in a long line at Tim Horton’s getting my daily coffee fix when I look out my window to see how long the line was, since I had been sitting there for over 5 minutes. A guy walking into the Tim Horton’s for whatever reason thought that I was looking at him. So he did the best choice he thought of at that moment and said to me, “What the F*ck are you looking at?” Now I ask you, how is it that this gentleman thought that I was so concerned about what he was doing, that I just had to be looking at only him? Like I said before, that was the “all about me” conclusion he could come up with. Instead, he could have thought the simpler conclusion that I might have just been looking at the damn line behind me?

What happens years from now when these kids or young adults start to run our countries? When they are wrong or do something inexcusable, are they going to be able to explain why they did or said something? That’s unfortunately where we are headed. Soon we will get to see our congressmen and women throw temper tantrums and think that we all should be under the assumption that regardless of right and wrong or even common sense, they are right and you are wrong so just get over it.

I know people like to make excuses for the millennials, but when do they stop getting a pass? Whether the excuse for them is that they live in a different world than we did, or that technology is now commonplace so them disrespecting who ever they are with by looking at their phones more than their guest is ok. When does responsibility become a factor? Are their parents going to hold their hands through job interviews? Will they get a time out whenever they disrespect someone else? There are no excuses here that are valid. The parents need to take most of the responsibility.

Our politicians aren’t helping this entitlement phase, offering free college and other freebies is just another way to tell them that the opportunities that they are getting isn’t worth anything and to just keep taking and taking. I had to work 2 jobs and go to school full-time in order for me to afford it. So why are they more important than me? To be honest I wouldn’t want free tuition anyways, my working full-time and going to school full-time made me appreciate the education all the more. Stop looking for handouts and start to appreciate the handouts you have already received! Other countries aren’t as lucky as you guys have been.

Life in general is tough to navigate through, but if you are constantly walking around with your hand out and with a “The world owes me” attitude, then life will be even tougher for you. Always remember that the world doesn’t owe you shit, you owe the world. After all, the world was here first!

God help us.

This Is Why You Should Always Have A Prenuptial Agreement

Marriage is not just about love, it is also a business arrangement.

Everyone has their own opinions on prenuptial agreements and question if they send a bad precedent before marriage. But, divorce is a possibility whether you would want to address those feelings now or not. Life has no guarantees and there is no way to know if 2 or 10 years down the road you decide the marriage is not repairable. When you get married, you never want to think about the possibility of it ending, but with the divorce rate being so high, it is something that every pre-marriage phase couples need to think about and give credence to.

If a marriage doesn’t work out, the likelihood of it being a cordial break up and everyone agreeing on every little thing, is slim to none. Sure, there are a select few who can accomplish an amicable divorce, but more often than not there is going to be some resentment and angry feelings involved, especially for the person who was dumped. They will have a major hit to their ego and instead of being logical about their feelings, they will direct their anger towards getting their exes back anyway possible. Divorce becomes revenge and anything you two had discussed before with regards to the marriage not working out, goes out the window. Every couple says in the beginning if things do not work out, I will not fight with you or I will not take this or take that. And then the gloves come off and it’s everyone for them self. Even the attorneys will get nasty and become too emotionally involved.

I have seen every end of the spectrum when it comes to divorce. You have mutual break ups, the extremely angry break ups, and the starting out mutual, only to turn into a battle until even the toothbrush is accounted for. This is why pre-nups are such a necessary asset pre-marriage. You can put everything in this legal document and no matter who breaks up with whom, the pre-nup will stand. It is very rare that a judge goes against the original pre-nup legal document.

I know some people think that this process is unromantic and that it brings down the happy celebratory vibe you two have. My response to that is, it only has that effect on your situation because you are allowing it to. All you are doing, is laying out every asset you have and making sure you are protected down the road and that your kids are protected if you choose to have them or already have them. So put the romance feelings aside, it’s just smart to have one set up regardless if you are wealthy or not. Plus have you ever entered into a financial arrangement without a contract? You probably haven’t, so why forgo a prenup when it does involve everything you own? Which ever you decide, always remember: There is a difference between marrying the love of your life and divorcing the man you thought was the love of your life.

This Is Why I Ghost

Text response is declined.

As a relationship coach, I will get a lot of flack for admitting that I ghost, but hear me out. Ghosting, is when you are speaking to someone and everything seems to be going so well and then BAM! They are never to be heard from again. You start to over-analyze every little thing you said and did the last time you talked to them or saw them. But, more often than not, the real reason they ghosted has a lot more to do with what they know of your character than them being an asshole.

I have always been very blunt and to the point, some can handle it and some cannot. But, if I stop having feelings for someone I will always slowly but surely stop responding, reason being is I have tried it both ways. I have always been upfront and honest that I like someone else or if I just do not think I am compatible with him anymore. And each time I took the awkward, but respectful way and go out of my way and tell them why I am not feeling them anymore, I would get so many obscenities sent my way.

I have been ghosted on too so it doesn’t matter who you are, you will get ghosted at least once in your life. I had one guy who said he hated ghosting and that if we were ever incompatible to please tell him. He had someone he liked ghost him and so he knew how bad it felt. He even said if she would have sent a text to me; that would have been better than silence. He and I were doing ok and everything appeared to be going well and then he just stopped responding. I even sent him a text saying, “Hey, if you met someone that is perfectly ok, just let me know” I received no response from him. So I let it go. That Friday, I am walking my dogs and guess who is outside my building with beer and trying to get into my gated community? Yep, it was the ghoster. What’s hilarious is the new girl he was dating lived in my exact building, we have 8 buildings in my complex so there’s karma for ya.

So as you can see ghosting sometimes has to occur and yes it is still immature and if the world were an expert on communication then we would never have to come up with these ridiculous terms, but with technology advancing everyday, expect ghosting to happen more and more, unfortunately it is here to stay. Just remember when you do it karma always comes back around.

Why Everyone Should Get a Prenuptial Agreement

When you are newly engaged the last thing you want to think about is divorce. But, since divorce rates are 1 in 3, it’s something that everyone must think about. It’s not an easy subject to bring up to your soon to be husband or wife, but trust me this is a necessary evil. With prenups you both can determine the terms of what will happen if in fact you two decide to break up.

Divorce is a touchy subject. People tend to think that their marriage will be the one out of their friends or family to last forever. Which I personally hope the relationship does last a lifetime. But, if in fact something changes at least you know that this is printed and signed by both of you. Now you can be as detailed as you want to be or you can make it simple and have the guidelines written up for certain circumstances that may occur in your marriage. Having it all mapped out will make things go so much smoother in the end. I don’t care if neither of you have a dime to your name, it’s better to be safe, than sorry. And if one of you had an inheritance before you got married, then that money should be put into a trust, so your spouse can’t try to take that money away from you. Especially since it was a premarital asset.

Prenups can include what happens if you have children, who is taking custody of them and the amount of child support will be included for the custodial parent. It can also dictate the amount of spousal support they can receive based on the amount of time you two were married. There are other factors that you can put in the prenup depending on your state and that state’s laws.

Divorce is something that needs to be discussed before you are married, regardless if you want to discuss it or not. When people are angry they tend to do all the things they promised they would never do. You cannot determine if they will stand by their word when divorce is imminent. Everything that was said is thrown out the window and the claws or gloves come out. But, if you had a prenup to begin with, then they really have no way to try to take more than they originally said they would. Now prenups can be challenged, but most judges will not overturn the prenup unless there was fraud involved and if they do think fraud is involved, they better have a good case to prove it.

I know most think prenups aren’t necessary, but because of the high divorce rates and the many people who have had to battle their exes for premarital assets, proves that having a prenup is your safest bet. It protects you and your spouse. People are also including a clause in their prenup for their dogs and cats. There is nothing more heartbreaking than losing your spouse and then losing your dog. So please if you do end up going the prenup route, think of every thing possible to include in the document. And if you two never divorce then no harm, no foul.

5 Ways Your Relationship Will Fail (And Why You Are To Blame)

veryone wants relationships to work out and stand the test of time. Unfortunately, if you are playing games with your love, it’s only a matter of time before they run from the relationship you are trying to build. Here are the top games women play while in a relationship.

1. Insecurity. A lot of women are insecure and think that someone couldn’t possibly love them for who they are. Instead of working on themselves to fix their insecurities, they tend to test their partners loyalty. Pushing your partner away is a big reason why they lose their relationships.

2. Testing him. Testing your partner results in them not wanting to deal with the constant strain and push-pull that you continually show them. This involves you telling them they can leave anytime they want, or not telling them exactly what is wrong or why you are saying this.

3. Liquid courage. Many girls drink alcohol and text their partners, saying things they wouldn’t say sober. Every little thing that has bugged you comes out in this irrational state. If you keep this up they will definitely know that you are more in love with drama than them.

4. Over-analyzing. This is something women are great at and are usually born with. If he is late, you make up so many excuses as to why, instead of realizing traffic is the reason. Maybe he really did fall asleep and isn’t trying to have sex with that co-worker you met a while ago. (You know, the one who is gorgeous and has legs for days.) Give him some credit and don’t think the worst of him until he gives you a reason to think that way.

5. He isn’t a priority. Not making him a priority is another push-pull game people use to make sure they keep their partners at arms length so as not get hurt. If you aren’t ready for someone to be in your life, do not string him along. This will come back to bite you in the form of karma, and when you are ready for someone to be in your life, they won’t be ready for a relationship.

Relationships are hard work, but a lot of people start to run as soon as an issue arises. And if you constantly run when times get tough, you will never know how to deal with other problems in your own life. Make sure you are truly ready for love; if you are not, you aren’t just hurting yourself.

Why Dating Him For His Money Will Never Make You Happy

Don’t be a gold digger, OK?

I was walking down my street with my dogs yesterday and I overheard two girls talking about the new man she had met. They were probably in their early twenties, and the shocking thing that she said stayed with me. “He only makes 200 thousand a year.”

This is frustrating, especially with my profession. I am trying to get women to change certain behaviors, and this statement from someone who probably hasn’t graduated college yet is just baffling. When did dating change so much that women think that their man’s money is theirs? I won’t let men off the hook because I have dealt with some men who have lived off their girlfriends.

So when did this get so far that you have to consider if you will date someone by their income? Now this, of course, flies out the window if you yourself make a great salary and you want an equal partner. But, if you do not make “X” number of dollars, then your requirements are far-fetched, and this is why we have the stereotype that women are gold diggers.

Where did this sense of entitlement come from? It’s nice to have someone spoil you, but if that’s your first and only requirement, there’s a problem. What happened to love? And more importantly, what happened to the independent woman ideology? We have grown past this ideology, and it makes me sad.

I learned that you will never get anything for free. If someone gives you something then you return the sentiment. Nowadays, most are more concerned with what type of car they drive and what they can get from someone instead of caring about who they are actually with.

With technology changing everyday, it’s a lot easier to meet people, but it’s also a lot easier to find the wrong type of people. We have dating websites for women and men to find people who have great incomes. My question to the people signing up for these websites is, why are you OK with someone wanting to date you just because of your financial status? You can’t think that the relationship will last based on the superficial.

People need to start caring more about providing for themselves instead of finding someone to take care of them. Your money isn’t his and neither is his money yours. Unless you marry the person, how much they make shouldn’t be your problem or in this case your meal ticket.
Learn to take care of yourself and to make money for the lifestyle you want to have. No one can take that away from you, and trust me you will appreciate it a lot more knowing that.

NotMom Summit in Cleveland on October 9th and 10th

I am proud to be apart of the first NotMom Summit in Cleveland, Ohio on October 9th and 10th. I will be speaking on the 10th, I will discuss how to go about telling new love prospects your stance on not wanting children. Below is the link to the New York Times article that was written about the summit a couple of weeks ago. I hope to see some of you in October.

The NotMom Interview: Relationship Coach Christy Goldstein

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/04/05/style/no-kids-for-me-thanks.html?referrer&_r=0