Update!

Hello everyone! I apologize for the long absence. I was recovering from losing my son and trying to finish my book Dating While Disabled, which I am proud to say it will be out February 14th 2017!

Here is a new interview I gave about autism and dating and about my book!

http://webtalkradio.net/internet-talk-radio/2016/12/05/a-new-spin-on-autism-answers-dating-for-autism-and-other-differentabilities/

 

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I Lost My Son At 5 Months Pregnant.

I slowly watched as the life I thought I would have, slowly slip away one tear at a time.

My life came crashing down when I heard those two words, no heartbeat. No one can prepare you for this moment. There are no words that can be spoken to comfort you. You have to sit there and just take it. I looked around each face and saw their pity in their eyes. At almost 5 months you’re given the false hope that everything will be ok, because you made it passed that 3 month mark, but in my case that 3 month mark was a false sense of security.

I got pregnant when I first met him. It wasn’t my original plan to choose him, but subconsciously I did. At 33 and single you start to realize how little time you have left if you did want to have a child. In this day in age, having a child out of wedlock is accepted, at least more so than decades ago. We had a chemistry I hadn’t had in a long time. It was comfortable and just so damn easy. Hell, if I didn’t know that we had just met, I would have assumed we knew each other for years.

Had I not become pregnant that night, I think he and I might have dated. Maybe we would have made it as a couple, maybe we wouldn’t have, but we will never know because in this short span of 6 months I saw the real him in a crisis and it was not a pretty sight.

I knew I was pregnant, that mothers intuition strong within me. And I knew I wouldn’t be bringing him home one day, but I was going to try my damnedest to try to prevent what my intuition already knew. I told the father right before Easter, which wasn’t good timing on my part, since he was Catholic, but I knew there wasn’t going to be a good time to tell a 27 year old that his life was about to change in as little time as it took to write a text message. He and I had texted each other the week before about us seeing each other soon, which never happened. Which would become the beginning of a lot of broken promises from him. I was trying not to have to text him this news, but his actions prevented that. So I had to do the only other option, which was to text him.

His response was typical for an immature guy. And I expected nothing less than more promises from him and then all of them broken in quick succession. But, I still wanted him! As a relationship coach, he was showing every red flag in the book and still I fell for him. Partly because of our connection and the rest because of Xavier Eliot, our son who I found out was a boy due to a test I was made to have due to extra amniotic fluid around his neck. If I could go back to that day when they found that fluid, I would have told my doctors I didn’t care if that extra fluid meant Down syndrome or another genetic disorder. It wouldn’t have matter to me what my baby had, I would have kept him regardless.

Each ultrasound and each test I had to do, I did alone. The father not wanting to make this “situation” real, so he avoided every aspect of what showed him that it was a reality. As my stomach grew and my heart swelled for the love I had for my unborn child, so did my hope the father would come around. I wanted so badly to see the person I thought I had that first night. But he would never reappear or maybe this was the real him all along?

The day I found out Xavier had passed on was the day I had my 3D/4D scan with my family and friends in attendance. I went to a place my friend worked at and I thank god for that now. I lay on the folded out chair seeing the baby on a huge screen and even I saw the amount of swelling on the screen. My stomach dropping as I think to myself, this doesn’t look right. My friend after what felt like an hour says to me, you need to get checked out, I’m not getting a heartbeat. Survival mode kicked in. My mind racing with so many details and possible movement I thought I had felt over the past few days. Didn’t I just feel him move? Or was that a week ago? 2 weeks? She’s wrong, she has to be wrong. So many thoughts, so many questions that she and even I couldn’t answer.

I called my high risk doctor on call and was instructed to go to labor and delivery at Ohio State University. I immediately knew this wasn’t going to be a welfare check and them tell me something different. I was lucky to have one of my best friends go with me. Had she not gone with me I do not know how that would have gone by myself.

I arrived at Ohio State and recounted the events so far. I must have told my story over and over to each new face I met at the hospital. Even I was getting sick of hearing this story, my story. Every nurse that came in was trying to make small talk and had my friend not been there I probably would have told them where to go with their small talk. I was there for one reason and it was not to hear their stories of how their days were going.

The first doctor came in and tried to find his heartbeat, all the while I’m thinking how hard can it be to find? The longer they made me wait, the longer I had to sit there and deal with something I didn’t want to deal with. The doctor said she needed another set of eyes to make sure and luckily or unluckily the next doctor was quicker. She confirmed he had passed on, most likely a week or two before. And that’s when the tears that had been waiting patiently for this news came out fast and furious.

Of course the first thing I thought of was how I was going to be able to deal with this. And deal with it alone. The next thought I had was about the father, thinking he got his wish. He wished this away and he got it.

I was asked if I wanted to be induced and give birth or if I wanted a D&E which is similar to a D&C, but a little different given how far along I was. I knew if I gave birth, my already raging hormones would double and I didn’t think I could handle seeing him like that. So I opted for the lesser evil in this situation.

Three days later I was scheduled for the removal of Xavier. I felt like a fraud walking around everywhere looking pregnant and honestly the procedure was welcomed so I would stop getting asked how my pregnancy was going. I just had my maintenance man at my complex ask how I was on the same day I found out that I lost Xavier. I don’t know who was more mortified when he asked that question and got my response?

With my basic survival instincts kicked in on overdrive; my mind just wanted this over with. I wanted to go back to February when I was in the best shape of my life and to that moment the father and I met for the first time so I could rewrite that history and choose differently. I prayed to go back and never have met him. I prayed for Xavier to still be kicking me and have that feeling that he was safe again. So many emotions, so many thoughts. Your mind isn’t supposed to compute this many extremes. But in a time like this, that’s all it can do.

I so badly just needed the father, no matter how he felt about me or Xavier, to hold me and let me cry. While I was going through hell, he got to act like nothing had changed. He hadn’t told his family, nor his friends. I had never hated someone so much in my life and at the same time care for him deeply. When you’re pregnant the attachment you can feel for the father is mind boggling, especially in a situation as precarious and confusing as mine was.

It’s been one month since Xavier has passed. The cremation and the picking of the urn and necklaces was completed. The father, being absent from everything else, actually made it to the planning of the cremation. Which surprised me. What surprised me more was that he purchased a necklace for himself. Which I have no doubt will sit in a box in his closet, never to be thought of again.

To my fellow moms out there, and don’t let anyone tell you any different. You are a mother, you just have to wait to hold your baby. But, one day you will hold him and when you do hold him tight and never let go.

The healing begins for me. My heart is broken by this and by the fathers lack of presence and support. My stomach is almost gone and Mother Nature was kind enough to remind me very quickly that I’m no longer pregnant. Because miscarriages and still births are rarely spoken about or written about; I wanted to share my story so other women can see they are not alone. If you need to cry, cry. If you want to yell at God, then yell at him. Do you feel like punching something? Then punch something! Put your anger and frustrations out there to the universe. Because if you don’t, the emotions you feel will come out in other unhealthy ways. Take as much time as you need. There is no timeline for grieving the loss of your baby. I didn’t cry much that first week, instead I put my frustrations into going to the gym, but I still needed a release. And crying was the only way to get it. Even if it meant I would cry for days, it needed to happen. I still feel numb as if this was just a dream, but if this taught me anything about this experience, it is that I love myself enough to make it through this. Even if that means making it through this alone. And especially when the one person who should have been there to hold my hand wasn’t.

 

Dating While Disabled

I’m happy to announce my book, Dating While Disabled will be out soon! It was slated for October 25th, but due to higher demands, I’m releasing it in June! Stay tuned for launch dates in the coming month!

Dating While Disabled will cover all of your dating needs! It will go over everything you and your partner or potential partner will need to know about dating someone with an illness!

Stay Tuned! Happy Dating!!

Things I am working on:

Hello everyone! It has been a busy start to my summer, I hope all of you are enjoying the nice weather! I am currently working on several projects and I am looking forward to showing you all that I have been working on for the past 4 years. I have been writing several books and it has taken me a lot longer than I care to admit. But when you are ill it’s hard to stay focused and meet deadlines that I had set for myself. Since the beginning I had written a book called Infamous, it is a chicklit novel and it was completed two years ago. But then a few things started to happen with my writing and with my health so Infamous took a backseat and has since been waiting in my scrivener (if you haven’t heard of scrivener and you are a writer I highly recommend it!) to be published.

This year I started two other books, one was dating while having EDS and the other was a memoir about my experiences in the medical field. Having 56 surgeries I have been immersed in this community in a way I never thought I would and have seen things I wish to God I hadn’t. I am writing about those experiences, so I can help others who are thrown into this and do not have the information that I have acquired over the years. My main goal with my writing has always been to help others. There is so much in this world that we are literally thrown into and I wish I had had the insight that I do now back then. So I am hoping my experiences whether they were good, bad, or indifferent will help others. Even if I have only helped one person, I have succeeded.

In October I will be speaking at the Notmom summit in Cleveland. I hope to see some of you there! I will keep everyone updated on my projects. Happy Summer to all of you!

What I Learned From My Breakup 1 Year Ago.

We didn’t want the same things. I realize just because it wasn’t what I wanted, didn’t make it wrong.
When you break up with someone you have the time to reflect. You look back at every decision, fight, and smile of your life together. Looking back now, I realize that I was trying to change him and change his way of thinking. Not to just change his thinking, but to change his personality and that was never going to work. He always complained about his job, he always told me his parents treated him like crap and by the looks of his finances I knew he was under paid at his parents business or lived way above his means.

Me being who I am, I tried to fix it. I showed him other companies and the salaries that were in our city and what they paid for his specific job title and job description. To say he was under paid is putting it lightly. When you’re in a family business the dynamics are heightened. Every issue you have outside the business creeps in. You end up fighting about personal issues and there are no boundaries set up because you are family. He quit one day when his dad was being difficult. Of course he went back the very next day, but he was showing me he was unhappy. And when I’m unhappy the logical thing I think to do is to change what is making me unhappy. He on the other hand had no problem with being miserable. Or maybe he knew he was going to be unhappy with his job and that is just the way it would be?

We had many issues, but because I’m a fixer I tried my best to show him another way. Of course he never listened to my ideas. He took them in, but nothing ever changed. And his bitching continued, every single. freaking. day.

And now a year later, I realize he didn’t want it to change. When most people are extremely unhappy they figure out a way to change it. But there is that small percentage of people that just go with the flow and bitch about it all along the way. Knowing that it changes nothing.

I realize now he and I never would have made it. I’m someone who is determined to succeed and help as many people as I can along the way. He is perfectly content working a low paying job and going out every weekend and getting drunk.

I know now that even though that is not a life I would want, it is a life that some people are ok with. Living pay check to pay check and essentially just existing, but content in their world. I realized after the back and forth, push-pull that was our relationship, that it is ok that he only wants what he has. He will find someone who is just as content at having a job that may not pay for vacations to see the world, but their bills are somewhat paid and they have beer money. He will find a woman who is ok having a drink everyday and has no remorse when that headache, that will inevitably show up, rears its ugly head.

I learned that what is good for him, didn’t have to be good for me, and that is ok, but it essentially meant we couldn’t be together. I need to know that if the shit hits the fan I either have savings to turn to or my great credit to get a loan. And in his life he had neither and never even thought about those things. So through the deterioration of what was our relationship, I learned that it is ok that he is fine with how his life is. And just because it’s not for me doesn’t make it wrong, right, or indifferent. It just makes us incompatible and that is ok too.

As you get older, that knowledge you’ve gained along the way really helps you know what to wait for, what to work towards, and why you should never settle for less than what you deserve or for what you want in life. Life is short and you should experience every thing you have your heart set on. And in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, “Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.”

5 Ways Your Relationship Will Fail (And Why You Are To Blame)

veryone wants relationships to work out and stand the test of time. Unfortunately, if you are playing games with your love, it’s only a matter of time before they run from the relationship you are trying to build. Here are the top games women play while in a relationship.

1. Insecurity. A lot of women are insecure and think that someone couldn’t possibly love them for who they are. Instead of working on themselves to fix their insecurities, they tend to test their partners loyalty. Pushing your partner away is a big reason why they lose their relationships.

2. Testing him. Testing your partner results in them not wanting to deal with the constant strain and push-pull that you continually show them. This involves you telling them they can leave anytime they want, or not telling them exactly what is wrong or why you are saying this.

3. Liquid courage. Many girls drink alcohol and text their partners, saying things they wouldn’t say sober. Every little thing that has bugged you comes out in this irrational state. If you keep this up they will definitely know that you are more in love with drama than them.

4. Over-analyzing. This is something women are great at and are usually born with. If he is late, you make up so many excuses as to why, instead of realizing traffic is the reason. Maybe he really did fall asleep and isn’t trying to have sex with that co-worker you met a while ago. (You know, the one who is gorgeous and has legs for days.) Give him some credit and don’t think the worst of him until he gives you a reason to think that way.

5. He isn’t a priority. Not making him a priority is another push-pull game people use to make sure they keep their partners at arms length so as not get hurt. If you aren’t ready for someone to be in your life, do not string him along. This will come back to bite you in the form of karma, and when you are ready for someone to be in your life, they won’t be ready for a relationship.

Relationships are hard work, but a lot of people start to run as soon as an issue arises. And if you constantly run when times get tough, you will never know how to deal with other problems in your own life. Make sure you are truly ready for love; if you are not, you aren’t just hurting yourself.

Why Dating Him For His Money Will Never Make You Happy

Don’t be a gold digger, OK?

I was walking down my street with my dogs yesterday and I overheard two girls talking about the new man she had met. They were probably in their early twenties, and the shocking thing that she said stayed with me. “He only makes 200 thousand a year.”

This is frustrating, especially with my profession. I am trying to get women to change certain behaviors, and this statement from someone who probably hasn’t graduated college yet is just baffling. When did dating change so much that women think that their man’s money is theirs? I won’t let men off the hook because I have dealt with some men who have lived off their girlfriends.

So when did this get so far that you have to consider if you will date someone by their income? Now this, of course, flies out the window if you yourself make a great salary and you want an equal partner. But, if you do not make “X” number of dollars, then your requirements are far-fetched, and this is why we have the stereotype that women are gold diggers.

Where did this sense of entitlement come from? It’s nice to have someone spoil you, but if that’s your first and only requirement, there’s a problem. What happened to love? And more importantly, what happened to the independent woman ideology? We have grown past this ideology, and it makes me sad.

I learned that you will never get anything for free. If someone gives you something then you return the sentiment. Nowadays, most are more concerned with what type of car they drive and what they can get from someone instead of caring about who they are actually with.

With technology changing everyday, it’s a lot easier to meet people, but it’s also a lot easier to find the wrong type of people. We have dating websites for women and men to find people who have great incomes. My question to the people signing up for these websites is, why are you OK with someone wanting to date you just because of your financial status? You can’t think that the relationship will last based on the superficial.

People need to start caring more about providing for themselves instead of finding someone to take care of them. Your money isn’t his and neither is his money yours. Unless you marry the person, how much they make shouldn’t be your problem or in this case your meal ticket.
Learn to take care of yourself and to make money for the lifestyle you want to have. No one can take that away from you, and trust me you will appreciate it a lot more knowing that.

NotMom Summit in Cleveland on October 9th and 10th

I am proud to be apart of the first NotMom Summit in Cleveland, Ohio on October 9th and 10th. I will be speaking on the 10th, I will discuss how to go about telling new love prospects your stance on not wanting children. Below is the link to the New York Times article that was written about the summit a couple of weeks ago. I hope to see some of you in October.

The NotMom Interview: Relationship Coach Christy Goldstein

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/04/05/style/no-kids-for-me-thanks.html?referrer&_r=0

6 Steps To Achieve Before You Look For Your Life Partner

Dating is a hard thing to do regardless of race, gender, religious backgrounds, etc. But, if you are truly ready to have a partner in your life and are ready for marriage these are the things you need to think of and have in order before you start to look for your partner.

1. Job: Most people have a job, but if it’s not paying you what you will need to survive, do what you have to do and even if that means getting a second job to save up money. You will never regret the money saved while you move up in your work position.

2. We all have debt in some form. Whether that is student loans, credit cards, or maybe you owe family members money. Before you start to think about your partner moving in, please have these paid as much as possible and if you can have them paid off. Your partner won’t want to have that become their problem, just like you wouldn’t want to have their debt be your problem.

3. Of course depending on your age, some people can be different on this, but in my opinion I would like the man to have a home with no roommates and I honestly wouldn’t want them owning a house or condo already. Because if we were to get serious, having to sell off properties takes time and money and that money would be taken away from the home you two would want to purchase together.

4. Have your credit in check! My ex had so many defaults on his student loans I doubt he was even in the 300-400 credit score range. Now sometimes extenuating circumstances do apply, such as a disability or laid off for a time frame. But, not even paying on these, which my ex was not, makes it far worse for you in the future. It takes years to build great credit and if you are close to 30 and have defaults on student loans, not paying your taxes, or paying anything towards your credit, will mean the one who is more responsible will be in control of the finances and that will cause more fights than you two could handle. Also, if you show you do not care about your credit that shows your partner that you are not only not mature enough, but also not trustworthy.

5. Have goals set up. I mean write down 2-3 year plans and 5-10 year plans. Yes, maybe some of these won’t work out, but at least you aren’t living year to year just trying to exist and you are working towards something.

6. Lastly, compromise. Check lists for vanity reasons usually fail, but check lists for life goals usually succeed. So look for someone who has life goals and have plans similar to yours. The common denominator for the two of you will be similarities in life goals.