I Lost My Son At 5 Months Pregnant.

I slowly watched as the life I thought I would have, slowly slip away one tear at a time.

My life came crashing down when I heard those two words, no heartbeat. No one can prepare you for this moment. There are no words that can be spoken to comfort you. You have to sit there and just take it. I looked around each face and saw their pity in their eyes. At almost 5 months you’re given the false hope that everything will be ok, because you made it passed that 3 month mark, but in my case that 3 month mark was a false sense of security.

I got pregnant when I first met him. It wasn’t my original plan to choose him, but subconsciously I did. At 33 and single you start to realize how little time you have left if you did want to have a child. In this day in age, having a child out of wedlock is accepted, at least more so than decades ago. We had a chemistry I hadn’t had in a long time. It was comfortable and just so damn easy. Hell, if I didn’t know that we had just met, I would have assumed we knew each other for years.

Had I not become pregnant that night, I think he and I might have dated. Maybe we would have made it as a couple, maybe we wouldn’t have, but we will never know because in this short span of 6 months I saw the real him in a crisis and it was not a pretty sight.

I knew I was pregnant, that mothers intuition strong within me. And I knew I wouldn’t be bringing him home one day, but I was going to try my damnedest to try to prevent what my intuition already knew. I told the father right before Easter, which wasn’t good timing on my part, since he was Catholic, but I knew there wasn’t going to be a good time to tell a 27 year old that his life was about to change in as little time as it took to write a text message. He and I had texted each other the week before about us seeing each other soon, which never happened. Which would become the beginning of a lot of broken promises from him. I was trying not to have to text him this news, but his actions prevented that. So I had to do the only other option, which was to text him.

His response was typical for an immature guy. And I expected nothing less than more promises from him and then all of them broken in quick succession. But, I still wanted him! As a relationship coach, he was showing every red flag in the book and still I fell for him. Partly because of our connection and the rest because of Xavier Eliot, our son who I found out was a boy due to a test I was made to have due to extra amniotic fluid around his neck. If I could go back to that day when they found that fluid, I would have told my doctors I didn’t care if that extra fluid meant Down syndrome or another genetic disorder. It wouldn’t have matter to me what my baby had, I would have kept him regardless.

Each ultrasound and each test I had to do, I did alone. The father not wanting to make this “situation” real, so he avoided every aspect of what showed him that it was a reality. As my stomach grew and my heart swelled for the love I had for my unborn child, so did my hope the father would come around. I wanted so badly to see the person I thought I had that first night. But he would never reappear or maybe this was the real him all along?

The day I found out Xavier had passed on was the day I had my 3D/4D scan with my family and friends in attendance. I went to a place my friend worked at and I thank god for that now. I lay on the folded out chair seeing the baby on a huge screen and even I saw the amount of swelling on the screen. My stomach dropping as I think to myself, this doesn’t look right. My friend after what felt like an hour says to me, you need to get checked out, I’m not getting a heartbeat. Survival mode kicked in. My mind racing with so many details and possible movement I thought I had felt over the past few days. Didn’t I just feel him move? Or was that a week ago? 2 weeks? She’s wrong, she has to be wrong. So many thoughts, so many questions that she and even I couldn’t answer.

I called my high risk doctor on call and was instructed to go to labor and delivery at Ohio State University. I immediately knew this wasn’t going to be a welfare check and them tell me something different. I was lucky to have one of my best friends go with me. Had she not gone with me I do not know how that would have gone by myself.

I arrived at Ohio State and recounted the events so far. I must have told my story over and over to each new face I met at the hospital. Even I was getting sick of hearing this story, my story. Every nurse that came in was trying to make small talk and had my friend not been there I probably would have told them where to go with their small talk. I was there for one reason and it was not to hear their stories of how their days were going.

The first doctor came in and tried to find his heartbeat, all the while I’m thinking how hard can it be to find? The longer they made me wait, the longer I had to sit there and deal with something I didn’t want to deal with. The doctor said she needed another set of eyes to make sure and luckily or unluckily the next doctor was quicker. She confirmed he had passed on, most likely a week or two before. And that’s when the tears that had been waiting patiently for this news came out fast and furious.

Of course the first thing I thought of was how I was going to be able to deal with this. And deal with it alone. The next thought I had was about the father, thinking he got his wish. He wished this away and he got it.

I was asked if I wanted to be induced and give birth or if I wanted a D&E which is similar to a D&C, but a little different given how far along I was. I knew if I gave birth, my already raging hormones would double and I didn’t think I could handle seeing him like that. So I opted for the lesser evil in this situation.

Three days later I was scheduled for the removal of Xavier. I felt like a fraud walking around everywhere looking pregnant and honestly the procedure was welcomed so I would stop getting asked how my pregnancy was going. I just had my maintenance man at my complex ask how I was on the same day I found out that I lost Xavier. I don’t know who was more mortified when he asked that question and got my response?

With my basic survival instincts kicked in on overdrive; my mind just wanted this over with. I wanted to go back to February when I was in the best shape of my life and to that moment the father and I met for the first time so I could rewrite that history and choose differently. I prayed to go back and never have met him. I prayed for Xavier to still be kicking me and have that feeling that he was safe again. So many emotions, so many thoughts. Your mind isn’t supposed to compute this many extremes. But in a time like this, that’s all it can do.

I so badly just needed the father, no matter how he felt about me or Xavier, to hold me and let me cry. While I was going through hell, he got to act like nothing had changed. He hadn’t told his family, nor his friends. I had never hated someone so much in my life and at the same time care for him deeply. When you’re pregnant the attachment you can feel for the father is mind boggling, especially in a situation as precarious and confusing as mine was.

It’s been one month since Xavier has passed. The cremation and the picking of the urn and necklaces was completed. The father, being absent from everything else, actually made it to the planning of the cremation. Which surprised me. What surprised me more was that he purchased a necklace for himself. Which I have no doubt will sit in a box in his closet, never to be thought of again.

To my fellow moms out there, and don’t let anyone tell you any different. You are a mother, you just have to wait to hold your baby. But, one day you will hold him and when you do hold him tight and never let go.

The healing begins for me. My heart is broken by this and by the fathers lack of presence and support. My stomach is almost gone and Mother Nature was kind enough to remind me very quickly that I’m no longer pregnant. Because miscarriages and still births are rarely spoken about or written about; I wanted to share my story so other women can see they are not alone. If you need to cry, cry. If you want to yell at God, then yell at him. Do you feel like punching something? Then punch something! Put your anger and frustrations out there to the universe. Because if you don’t, the emotions you feel will come out in other unhealthy ways. Take as much time as you need. There is no timeline for grieving the loss of your baby. I didn’t cry much that first week, instead I put my frustrations into going to the gym, but I still needed a release. And crying was the only way to get it. Even if it meant I would cry for days, it needed to happen. I still feel numb as if this was just a dream, but if this taught me anything about this experience, it is that I love myself enough to make it through this. Even if that means making it through this alone. And especially when the one person who should have been there to hold my hand wasn’t.

 

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This Is Why I Ghost

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As a relationship coach, I will get a lot of flack for admitting that I ghost, but hear me out. Ghosting, is when you are speaking to someone and everything seems to be going so well and then BAM! They are never to be heard from again. You start to over-analyze every little thing you said and did the last time you talked to them or saw them. But, more often than not, the real reason they ghosted has a lot more to do with what they know of your character than them being an asshole.

I have always been very blunt and to the point, some can handle it and some cannot. But, if I stop having feelings for someone I will always slowly but surely stop responding, reason being is I have tried it both ways. I have always been upfront and honest that I like someone else or if I just do not think I am compatible with him anymore. And each time I took the awkward, but respectful way and go out of my way and tell them why I am not feeling them anymore, I would get so many obscenities sent my way.

I have been ghosted on too so it doesn’t matter who you are, you will get ghosted at least once in your life. I had one guy who said he hated ghosting and that if we were ever incompatible to please tell him. He had someone he liked ghost him and so he knew how bad it felt. He even said if she would have sent a text to me; that would have been better than silence. He and I were doing ok and everything appeared to be going well and then he just stopped responding. I even sent him a text saying, “Hey, if you met someone that is perfectly ok, just let me know” I received no response from him. So I let it go. That Friday, I am walking my dogs and guess who is outside my building with beer and trying to get into my gated community? Yep, it was the ghoster. What’s hilarious is the new girl he was dating lived in my exact building, we have 8 buildings in my complex so there’s karma for ya.

So as you can see ghosting sometimes has to occur and yes it is still immature and if the world were an expert on communication then we would never have to come up with these ridiculous terms, but with technology advancing everyday, expect ghosting to happen more and more, unfortunately it is here to stay. Just remember when you do it karma always comes back around.

Use These Tips To Give Your Man The Best Blowjob Of His Life

Every man loves getting a blowjob, but you might have been doing it wrong all along.

We all know men love blow jobs or they are sometimes called fellatio. But, knowing how to do them right is something women have struggled to master. I am going to give you a few tips on giving a great blow job to keep your man happy and keep running back for more.

I have always been a fan of the blow job, but I do have an oral fixation so it has come naturally to me and with a lot of other women that have oral fixations as well, which normally makes it easier for them to master because of this. I like to do them especially in the morning, because most men have morning hard ons and usually they do not have time for sex if they are like me and hit the snooze button a lot. So to keep your man thinking about you all day long; a morning BJ is a great way to accomplish that!

Blow jobs can be very hard to master if you have a gag reflex; plus you have to worry about teeth placement and multitasking with your hands as well. With girls that want to practice on something else other than a penis; you can always use a banana to help with your gag reflex or your man will always oblige you to be the willing participate in your practicing phase.

I focus on the tip of the head and underneath the shaft. If you swirl your tongue and suck around their opening of their external urethral orifice, which is where their semen comes out (for those of you that do not know that word) they will start bunching up very quickly with their abs and legs if done correctly. The head and underneath their shaft are their most sensitive spots. While you are doing this use your hands. But always make sure you have lotion or oil to massage their shaft it will feel a lot better for them. I use a twisting technique while I am sucking their balls as well.

Men love to have their balls sucked, there are a thousand nerve endings in their testicles, so do not forget to play with them! In the beginning start at their balls and then lick all the way up the shaft and some men will want a finger in their ass while you are giving them a blow job. But. not all men are like this. This is something you will have to ease into, because they may not have had it done before and so go in slowly to see their reaction, but remember to use lube on your finger! If you have long nails I recommend skipping this part. While you are sucking the head, I like to take my tongue and lick up and down his shaft while pulling the skin up with my mouth, it’s similar to you sucking his head, but just be gentle sucking the sides. Men can be very rough when they masturbate alone, so do not feel like you have to be too gentle with jacking him off especially if you are using lube or oil.

Then, there is the age old question spit or swallow. Some, when they are so aroused they continue to cum for a moment and anymore sucking or playing with them will make it feel uncomfortable or too much to handle. So depending on the man stick to the tip of the head while they start to cum and you will be able to tell when it’s time to stop.

Blow jobs are loved by all men and if you can perfect it you will be able to keep them happy throughout the day and they will continue to think about that morning with you. Now if you two have more time, then give him some time to recover and then go for round two, but this time involving you!

What I Learned From My Breakup 1 Year Ago.

We didn’t want the same things. I realize just because it wasn’t what I wanted, didn’t make it wrong.
When you break up with someone you have the time to reflect. You look back at every decision, fight, and smile of your life together. Looking back now, I realize that I was trying to change him and change his way of thinking. Not to just change his thinking, but to change his personality and that was never going to work. He always complained about his job, he always told me his parents treated him like crap and by the looks of his finances I knew he was under paid at his parents business or lived way above his means.

Me being who I am, I tried to fix it. I showed him other companies and the salaries that were in our city and what they paid for his specific job title and job description. To say he was under paid is putting it lightly. When you’re in a family business the dynamics are heightened. Every issue you have outside the business creeps in. You end up fighting about personal issues and there are no boundaries set up because you are family. He quit one day when his dad was being difficult. Of course he went back the very next day, but he was showing me he was unhappy. And when I’m unhappy the logical thing I think to do is to change what is making me unhappy. He on the other hand had no problem with being miserable. Or maybe he knew he was going to be unhappy with his job and that is just the way it would be?

We had many issues, but because I’m a fixer I tried my best to show him another way. Of course he never listened to my ideas. He took them in, but nothing ever changed. And his bitching continued, every single. freaking. day.

And now a year later, I realize he didn’t want it to change. When most people are extremely unhappy they figure out a way to change it. But there is that small percentage of people that just go with the flow and bitch about it all along the way. Knowing that it changes nothing.

I realize now he and I never would have made it. I’m someone who is determined to succeed and help as many people as I can along the way. He is perfectly content working a low paying job and going out every weekend and getting drunk.

I know now that even though that is not a life I would want, it is a life that some people are ok with. Living pay check to pay check and essentially just existing, but content in their world. I realized after the back and forth, push-pull that was our relationship, that it is ok that he only wants what he has. He will find someone who is just as content at having a job that may not pay for vacations to see the world, but their bills are somewhat paid and they have beer money. He will find a woman who is ok having a drink everyday and has no remorse when that headache, that will inevitably show up, rears its ugly head.

I learned that what is good for him, didn’t have to be good for me, and that is ok, but it essentially meant we couldn’t be together. I need to know that if the shit hits the fan I either have savings to turn to or my great credit to get a loan. And in his life he had neither and never even thought about those things. So through the deterioration of what was our relationship, I learned that it is ok that he is fine with how his life is. And just because it’s not for me doesn’t make it wrong, right, or indifferent. It just makes us incompatible and that is ok too.

As you get older, that knowledge you’ve gained along the way really helps you know what to wait for, what to work towards, and why you should never settle for less than what you deserve or for what you want in life. Life is short and you should experience every thing you have your heart set on. And in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, “Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.”

5 Ways Your Relationship Will Fail (And Why You Are To Blame)

veryone wants relationships to work out and stand the test of time. Unfortunately, if you are playing games with your love, it’s only a matter of time before they run from the relationship you are trying to build. Here are the top games women play while in a relationship.

1. Insecurity. A lot of women are insecure and think that someone couldn’t possibly love them for who they are. Instead of working on themselves to fix their insecurities, they tend to test their partners loyalty. Pushing your partner away is a big reason why they lose their relationships.

2. Testing him. Testing your partner results in them not wanting to deal with the constant strain and push-pull that you continually show them. This involves you telling them they can leave anytime they want, or not telling them exactly what is wrong or why you are saying this.

3. Liquid courage. Many girls drink alcohol and text their partners, saying things they wouldn’t say sober. Every little thing that has bugged you comes out in this irrational state. If you keep this up they will definitely know that you are more in love with drama than them.

4. Over-analyzing. This is something women are great at and are usually born with. If he is late, you make up so many excuses as to why, instead of realizing traffic is the reason. Maybe he really did fall asleep and isn’t trying to have sex with that co-worker you met a while ago. (You know, the one who is gorgeous and has legs for days.) Give him some credit and don’t think the worst of him until he gives you a reason to think that way.

5. He isn’t a priority. Not making him a priority is another push-pull game people use to make sure they keep their partners at arms length so as not get hurt. If you aren’t ready for someone to be in your life, do not string him along. This will come back to bite you in the form of karma, and when you are ready for someone to be in your life, they won’t be ready for a relationship.

Relationships are hard work, but a lot of people start to run as soon as an issue arises. And if you constantly run when times get tough, you will never know how to deal with other problems in your own life. Make sure you are truly ready for love; if you are not, you aren’t just hurting yourself.

Relationship Sabotage

When you hear sabotage you think of a movie or war. You rarely think that you yourself are the one causing the relationship issues in your dating life. And you don’t want to think that the reason you are alone is not because their aren’t any good men, but you are alone because of you. I came to this realization a few months back. I am and have been sabotaging my own relationships and in a sense I am sabotaging my own happiness.

A lot of women I have talked too say that they know exactly what I am talking about when I say relationship sabotage. They first think of the relationships they have ruined because of their own neuroses and their own self esteem issues. A lot of people ruin a good relationship because of them being insecure with themselves.

I am one of those people. I have been independent to a fault and do not know how to allow someone to help me with even the mundane things such as carrying in groceries, walking my dogs for me, or picking up something I need at the store. My last relationship I sabotaged knowingly and completely. I don’t think there was anything else I could have done more thoroughly than ending that relationship.

I decided things for this person even before discussing it with them. I also assumed things that they probably hadn’t even thought about. Because of this we obviously ended the relationship. Well I ended it. Many times. So because I have this issue and acknowledge this I am hoping to change the way I react and think when it comes to relationships.

My biggest fear is abandonment. I have a lot of baggage per say and not many would want to deal with all the things that goes with being in my life. And so as a coping mechanism I push that person so far away that there is no turning back once I am done with them. I have acknowledged this and I want to change this part of my personality so going forward I won’t push the next person away. And hopefully the next guy will accept all of who I am.